- What you get
- Alexis's decision process, taught live over five weeks
- Best when
- You want a process you can use now and when things change
- How it works
- Alexis teaches the process live. You apply it to your relationship each week.
- What you leave with
- Five practical decision tools, including a final Decision Map, and a process you know how to use when things change
- Format
- 5 weeks, live
- Price
- $750
The Secure Decision · 5-week live programme
You know the theory. You still don't know what to do.
You’ve done the learning. You’re still stuck on the same questions: Is this real change? Should I reach out, wait, set a boundary or leave? Over five live weeks, Alexis teaches you how to tell real change from another cycle, work out what the evidence actually means, and know what to do next when something changes.
Join the Founding Cohort Waitlist
5-week live group programme · $750 one-time
5 weeksLive with Alexis every week$750 one-time
Why more information isn't helping
Every new explanation gives you one more thing to consider.
You've watched the videos. Read the books. Maybe done therapy, asked friends, asked Reddit, asked AI. Each answer sounds right and none of them settles anything, because the problem is no longer understanding attachment. The problem is separating evidence from interpretation, and working out what your relationship is actually showing you.
“Is this real change or another cycle?”
“Should I reach out once, or finally stop?”
“Is this a boundary or a reaction?”
“Is there enough here to repair?”
“What would I need to see before I trust this again?”
“How do I know when I've done enough?”
Stop trying to predict them. Learn how to evaluate what's actually happening.
What changes
By week five, you'll know how to…
- Define the real decision in front of you
- Separate what actually happened from interpretation, hope and fear
- Identify what would need to be true for the relationship to be viable
- Test your assumptions instead of continuing to guess
- Make a grounded next decision, and know what would justify revisiting it
The Secure Decision Method
A repeatable way to move from reaction to evidence to a decision you trust.
- 01Calm
- 02Reprogram
- 03Expose
- 04Decide
Every offer I run uses this process. The Secure Decision is where I teach it to you step by step, so you can use it when new evidence appears.
Week by week
Five weeks from spinning to a clear decision.
This isn't five weeks of taking in more information. Each week you build one concrete tool and use it on your own situation.
Week 1
Calm
Get clear enough to evaluate
Name the decision you're actually facing and map what activates you, so you can think before you react.
You leave with
Decision Question + Activation Map
Week 2
Reprogram
Separate evidence from interpretation
What they actually did versus what you made it mean, and whether this is a pattern or this person.
You leave with
Evidence Map
Week 3
Viability
Define what viable would actually require
Your non-negotiables, your secure standard, and what real repair or change would need to look like.
You leave with
Viability Criteria
Week 4
Expose
Test instead of guess
Design one clear test before activation, and decide in advance what will count as evidence.
You leave with
Secure Test
Week 5
Decide
Decide and know what comes next
Check the evidence against your criteria, make your decision, and set the conditions for revisiting it.
You leave with
Decision Map
Before you test the relationship, you define what viable would actually need to look like. By week five, you have a Decision Map you can return to when new evidence appears.
The Week 5 reality check
“What am I hoping more information will let me avoid?”
Sometimes the search for one more answer is a way of not deciding. This question is where that stops.
What's included
How the Founding Cohort Works
- Five live weeks with Alexis
- A workbook to apply each step to your own relationship
- One practical decision tool each week
- A way to separate real change from another cycle
- A final Decision Map for what to do next
- A process you know how to use again when things change
Alexis teaches the process live in a group. It isn't private evaluation of your individual relationship; that's what the Diagnostic and Secure Base are for.
Three ways to work with Alexis
One method. Three ways to use it.
Learn the process, get Alexis's direct perspective on your current situation, or work through it with ongoing personalised support.
- What you get
- Alexis's direct perspective on your current situation
- Best when
- You want Alexis's direct perspective on where things stand now
- How it works
- Bring your situation, context and questions to one private 60-minute session.
- What you leave with
- Alexis's direct perspective and clearer next steps
- Format
- 60 minutes, private
- Price
- $500
- What you get
- Ongoing personalised help as your situation develops
- Best when
- You want ongoing help while the relationship is active or changing
- How it works
- Work through the situation over 12 weeks with ongoing personalised support.
- What you leave with
- Ongoing support applying and adapting the process as things develop
- Format
- 12 weeks
- Price
- From $3,500
Explore the Diagnostic →·Explore Secure Base →·Compare all options →
Who this is for
This is for you if
- ✓The relationship, breakup or possibility of getting back together still feels live
- ✓You already understand attachment and keep re-reading their behaviour
- ✓There's a real decision in front of you
- ✓You want a repeatable process, not another prediction
- ✓You're willing to apply the process to your own situation
Who this is not for
This isn't for you if
- ×You already know it's over and mainly need help grieving
- ×You want Alexis to tell you what your partner is thinking
- ×You mainly want Alexis to evaluate your specific situation directly. The Diagnostic is built for that →
- ×You need ongoing personalised help as your relationship changes. Secure Base is built for that →
- ×You're looking for a guarantee they'll come back
- ×You need crisis or specialist support
About Alexis
Taught by someone who's been on the other side of it.
Alexis Friedlander is a therapist and attachment specialist. For years he saw his own dismissive-avoidant patterns as a strength, until understanding attachment made the pattern clear. He's spent seven years helping people stop predicting their partner and start evaluating their relationship.
His goal isn't to help you find the tactic that brings someone back. It's to help you see what's actually there and decide from a secure place.
Alexis Friedlander, MSc · Author of Between Us · 20K+ on YouTube
Client stories
What clients say about working with Alexis
“Set boundaries, got him back, then realised it wasn't right for me. I'm now with someone who treats me the way I deserve.”
“Rebuilt the relationship with my avoidant ex. Less anxiety, more clarity, and a connection that actually works now.”
“I learned to give space and stop controlling the outcome. We got back together on completely different terms.”
Testimonials shown are from Alexis's wider coaching work. See Trustpilot reviews →
Founding Cohort · $750 USD one-time
Five weeks to build a process you'll keep using.
$750
USD, one-time
The founding cohort price is $750 USD. Future cohorts will be priced higher.
Format
5-week live group programme with Alexis
You build
Five weekly outputs, including your final Decision Map
Need to ask something first? Email Alexis at alexis@theavoidanttherapist.com.
Founding Cohort
Join the Secure Decision Waitlist
The first Secure Decision cohort is opening soon.
Join the waitlist to be the first to hear when enrolment opens and get first access to the Founding Cohort at $750.
The founding cohort price is $750 USD. Future cohorts will be priced higher.
Dates will be announced to the waitlist first.
FAQ
Questions before you join.
What will I actually leave with after five weeks?+−
You’ll leave with five practical decision tools: a Decision Question + Activation Map, Evidence Map, Viability Criteria, Secure Test and Decision Map. More importantly, you’ll know how to use them together to work out what is actually happening, what would count as meaningful change, and what would justify changing your decision when something new happens.
How is this different from the Diagnostic?+−
The Diagnostic is one private 60-minute session where Alexis takes in your current situation, context and questions and gives you his direct perspective on where things stand now. The Secure Decision is different: over five live weeks, Alexis teaches you the process he uses, so you can work out what new messages, behaviour or changes actually mean and decide what to do without starting from zero each time.
What if my situation changes during or after the programme?+−
That is exactly what the programme is designed for. You do not leave with one answer that only works today. You leave with five practical tools and a Decision Map you can return to when something changes, so you can work out whether it is real change, another cycle, or something that genuinely changes what you do next.
Will Alexis look at my individual relationship?+−
You use your own relationship throughout the programme, so the work is directly relevant to you. Alexis teaches the process live in the group, and you apply each exercise to your own situation. The programme does not include a private one-to-one assessment of your relationship by Alexis. If you also want Alexis’s direct perspective on your current situation, you can book the Diagnostic separately alongside The Secure Decision.
Will Alexis tell me whether to stay or leave?+−
No. Alexis does not make the decision for you. The point is that by the end, you know how to make one you trust. You learn how to separate what is actually happening from hope and fear, recognise what would count as real change, and decide what would need to happen for you to stay, leave or reconsider.
How is this different from Secure Base?+−
The Secure Decision gives you five weeks of live group teaching so you can learn Alexis’s process and apply it yourself. Secure Base gives you ongoing personalised support applying and adapting that process as your situation develops over 12 weeks. They solve different needs and are not mutually exclusive. You may only need one, or you may want to learn the process through The Secure Decision and use personalised support as well.
I'm in no contact. Does this still apply?+−
Yes, if there is still a real decision in front of you. The process is about working out what the available evidence means and what your next step should be. It doesn't depend on being in contact.
We're still together. Is this only for breakups?+−
No. The Secure Decision is for relationship ambiguity, not only breakups. It can apply when you're together, separated, in no contact or considering reconciliation, as long as there is still a real question about what the relationship is showing you and what to do next.
What if I already know it's over?+−
If the relationship is clearly over and the decision itself is already made, The Secure Decision probably is not the right fit. If your main need is grieving or letting go, the free resources may be a better place to start. If you still want Alexis’s direct perspective on your current situation or what comes next, the Diagnostic may fit better.
Stop collecting information. Learn the process. Make a decision you can trust.
Five weeks to learn how to evaluate the relationship in front of you and work out what your next step actually is.
5 weeks · Live with Alexis · $750