How to choose an attachment coach for anxious-avoidant relationships: 9 questions to ask

Why choosing well matters

If you are anxiously attached and your partner, or ex, is avoidant, you are probably tired. Tired of guessing. Tired of reading every text twice. And when you are that tired, a confident voice promising to "get them back" can sound like relief.

That is exactly when you need to slow down. Coaching is not regulated by law in the UK, so anyone can call themselves an attachment coach. Some are excellent. Some are not. These questions help you tell the difference, and yes, you should ask them of me too.

The 9 questions to ask any attachment coach

1. What is your training, and can I check it?

Ask for the exact name of each qualification and who issued it. A coaching credential from the International Coaching Federation (ICF), for example, can be checked on the ICF's public "verify a coach" page. A university degree names the university. Vague phrases like "certified expert" with no issuing body are a warning sign.

2. Are you a therapist, and if not, what do you do when someone needs one?

A coach is not a therapist. A good coach says so plainly, and has a clear answer for when they would refer you on: for example, if you are in crisis, if there was abuse, or if your mental health is badly affected.

3. Who is your work actually for?

Anxiously attached people dating avoidants have a specific problem. Generic dating advice often makes it worse, for example "play it cool" or "give them a taste of their own medicine". Ask whether the coach specialises in this dynamic, and which side of it they mostly work with.

4. Can you explain your method in plain language?

You should be able to understand what happens in the sessions and why. "We work on your energy" is not a method. "First we calm the spiral, then we separate old fears from what is happening now, then we use your partner's real behaviour as evidence, then you decide" is.

5. What does the research behind your approach actually say?

Attachment research is real and solid. But most coaching methods, including mine, are applied frameworks built on that research. They have not been tested in their own clinical trials. A trustworthy coach will tell you that. Be wary of anyone who calls their own method "scientifically proven".

6. What will you not promise?

No coach can control another person's choices. If someone guarantees your avoidant ex will come back, or that your partner will change, walk away. What a coach can realistically offer is clarity, a plan, and support while you act on it.

7. Where can I read independent reviews?

Testimonials on a coach's own website are chosen by them. Look for reviews on an independent platform, and read the middling ones, not just the five-star ones.

8. What exactly is included, and what does it cost in total?

Ask for the full price, the number of sessions or weeks, how you can contact them between sessions, who actually delivers the sessions, and the refund policy. If any of these are hard to get a straight answer on, that tells you something.

9. How will we know if it is working?

Good coaching has measurable goals. For this dynamic, sensible ones include: spiralling less often, sending fewer anxious messages, being able to state a need calmly, and making a decision you can stand behind. Agree on yours at the start.

Red flags

• Guarantees about getting an ex back, or about changing your partner.
• Pressure to buy today, with countdown timers or "last spot" messages.
• Advice to manipulate: fake jealousy, games, timed silences designed to provoke.
• Treating your partner as a villain, or treating you as the whole problem.
• Calling themselves a therapist without a registration you can check.
• Discouraging you from seeing a doctor or therapist.

Your options, compared

There is no single best choice. There is the best fit for where you are now.

• Free content (videos, articles, books). Best for: understanding the pattern. Limit: it cannot look at your situation, and it is easy to get stuck in understanding without acting.
• A group course or programme. Best for: learning a process and applying it with support, at a lower cost than one-to-one. Limit: less tailored to your exact situation.
• One-off session with a specialist coach. Best for: a direct read on one situation, and a next step. Limit: no ongoing support as things change.
• Ongoing one-to-one coaching. Best for: an active, changing situation where you need help over weeks. Limit: the most expensive option.
• Therapy or counselling. Best for: mental health difficulties, trauma, or deep work on your history. Limit: often less focused on a specific relationship decision. See my guide on relationship coaching vs therapy.
• Couples therapy. Best for: when both partners want to work on the relationship together. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is one approach with a good research base. Limit: it needs both people to show up.

How I answer these questions

It would not be fair to give you this list without answering it myself.

• Training: I hold an MSc in Psychology. I am an ICF-credentialed coach, and I have trained in hypnotherapy.
• Therapist? No. I am an attachment coach, not a registered therapist or counsellor. If you need therapy, I will tell you.
• Who it is for: Almost everyone I work with is anxiously attached and in, or just out of, a relationship with an avoidant partner. I know the other side personally: I was dismissive-avoidant for years, and I changed.
• Method: The Secure Base Method has four stages: Calm, Reprogram, Expose, Decide. It is my applied framework, built on attachment research. It has not been tested in its own clinical trial.
• What I will not promise: I will not promise anyone comes back. Some clients repair their relationship. Some leave. The goal is the same: less spiralling, and a decision you trust.
• Reviews: You can read them on Trustpilot.
• What is included and the cost: Every option, with prices, is on the compare options page.
• Track record: I have taught this for about seven years, on YouTube and in my book, Between Us.

If I am not the right fit, I would rather you found someone who is.

Master your attachment, you master your relationships.