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Articles by Alexis
31 articles · Page 2 of 4
Why You Can’t Let Go of an Avoidant Partner — And How to Finally Break Free
“Why am I still stuck on someone who pulled away?” It’s a question I’ve heard more times than I can count. You know they were avoidant. They couldn’t meet your emotional needs. Maybe they ghosted. Maybe they were hot-and-cold. But months later, you’re still obsessing. Replaying conversations. Stalking social media. Feeling like a part of you is missing. This isn’t just heartbreak. Attachment anxiety can intensify rumination, monitoring, and the urge to restore connection, which can make the br
The Power of Emotional Connection: What Harlow’s Monkeys Reveal About Avoidant Attachment
Why Do Avoidants Struggle With Intimacy? Harry Harlow’s infant rhesus monkeys spent far more time clinging to a soft cloth surrogate than a wire surrogate, even when the wire surrogate provided milk. They still went to the feeding surrogate to eat. The finding was about the importance of contact comfort, not a choice of comfort instead of survival. Harlow & Zimmermann (1959) This experiment matters because it challenged the idea that attachment is only about feeding. But monkey research cannot
What Mikulincer & Shaver (2016) Taught Us About Attachment, Breakups, and Healing
If you’ve ever felt like you love too much or pull away too fast, you’re not broken. You’re likely playing out a script shaped by your attachment system. One of the most illuminating resources for understanding this dynamic is the work of Mikulincer & Shaver (2016), whose research lays the foundation for how attachment theory informs real-world relationships, especially breakups. In this article, we’ll break down: * The core research methods and findings Mikulincer & Shaver bring together *
When Silence Speaks Louder: What Quiet Moments Reveal About Emotional Safety in Relationships
Researchers from the University of Reading explored silence as a form of communication across four studies. Intrinsically motivated silence was associated with more positive affect, greater autonomy and relatedness need satisfaction, and more partner closeness, while pressured or introjected silence was associated with worse experiences. Weinstein et al. (2024) * Freely chosen silence can feel safe, peaceful, and connected. * Pressured, defensive, or punitive silence can feel distancing or th
How to Build Secure Attachment After a Breakup: Adler’s Proven Path to Healing
Breakups leave emotional bruises. But what if those wounds were also the starting point for something deeper, inner freedom? Introduction: What Adler Knew About Heartbreak Before It Was Trendy Long before attachment theory hit Instagram, Alfred Adler, a pioneering Austrian psychologist and contemporary of Freud and Jung, was exploring the emotional wounds that so often stem from broken relationships. Adler believed that humans are driven by a need for significance and belonging. When we feel
Your Ex Is Not a Mirror: How Breakups Warp Your Self-Perception
Breakups can feel like emotional earthquakes, shaking the foundation of who you believe you are. Suddenly, your mind is flooded with doubts: “Am I not good enough?” “Was everything my fault?” “Did I misunderstand who I really am?” In these vulnerable moments, it’s easy to treat your ex’s rejection (or criticism) as a mirror that reflects your entire self-worth. But your ex is not a mirror, at least, not an accurate one. In reality, breakups often warp how we see ourselves, thanks to a messy ble
Why Breakups Hurt Like Drug Withdrawal—And How to Rewire Your Brain When You’re Anxiously Attached
Anyone who has experienced heartbreak knows it’s not just “in your head.” The sleepless nights, the racing thoughts, and the uncontrollable urge to seek contact with your ex can make you feel like you’re going through withdrawal. Neuroscientists confirm that this analogy isn’t merely poetic, romantic love engages many of the same neural systems that are activated by addictive substances.[1] And if you tend to have an anxious attachment style, this separation can strike with even greater intensit
Why We Choose the Wrong Partners (And How to Break the Cycle)
Have you ever woken up one morning, replaying the same heated argument from the night before, thinking: “Why does this keep happening?” Or perhaps you keep finding yourself attracted to people who seem thrilling at first, but ultimately leave you feeling misunderstood or betrayed. It’s a confusing cycle, and if you’re stuck in it, you might wonder if you’re somehow “fated” to choose the wrong partners. In reality, our patterns in love aren’t a cosmic coincidence; they’re shaped by a complex web
Why Avoidants Come On Strong—Then Vanish
“They Said I Was Everything—Then They Ghosted Me.” Isla (name changed for confidentiality) couldn’t understand it. Her last partner had come on fast, deep talks, constant texts, future plans within weeks. “He said he’d never felt this connected to anyone before. And then… silence. Like a switch flipped.” For anxiously attached individuals, these kinds of relationships feel especially confusing, and devastating. You didn’t misread the early signs. They did feel close. So why did they disappear
How Your Childhood Made You Fall for Emotionally Unavailable People
“Why Do I Always Fall for People Who Don’t Choose Me?” This was Daniel’s (name changed) question during our first session. He’d just ended another relationship with someone emotionally distant and hot-cold. It was a pattern, each partner more unavailable than the last. He blamed himself. But the problem wasn’t who Daniel was. It was what his nervous system had learned to call love. Childhood Isn’t the Past. It’s the Blueprint Hazan & Shaver’s foundational work extended attachment theory to
